Today I get back on track! Nothing beats 99 failures but the 100th try.

I named her Jamie Alexis. She had big bright eyes and a head full of curly hair. An eight-pound colossal of delight was delivered. She was a fresh face, fat bundle of joy. Of course,Miles only concern was that she resembled him; his assurance that he was the father.

   Today I start eating better and exercising more.#tellthetruthtuesday

After another night of arguing, swearing, and bear hugging, approximately eleven months after that chance encounter, my sweet little Jamie was born. I had given him the most precious gift in the world; you would have thought I’d just brought in the groceries. He was glaring at me, my entire body cavity exposed—an unsupportive partner, who was neither present mentally or emotionally. The blissfulness that comes along with the birth of a baby was absent. I had not chosen a loving, kind, or honest partner. I wasn’t ready to address my insecurities or pull back the curtains on my flaws. The layers were deep; it was easier to camouflage the issues. Not addressing these flaws would eventually cause me many years of heartache and suffering.  

  He was gregarious and fun loving when there was an audience and conniving and cruel behind closed doors.#apooloftears

After that debacle at Mom’s house, Miles always made a made a point of being extra nice to the kids when other people were around. He was gregarious and fun loving when there was an audience and conniving and cruel behind closed doors. 

“He just doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy you want around the kids. You are usually so picky,” she said.

And she was right. I had always shielded and protected them from any outside force that would interfere with their little bubblegum paradise. And bringing Miles into my world and theirs didn’t make any more sense to me than it did to Mom. I couldn’t track or justify my reasoning, but still I did not put an end to the confusion that was becoming obvious to my family.

When I took him to Mom’s house for an official introduction, the visit did not go well. Again, he displayed a grandiose attitude. He wanted everyone to believe he came from a well-to-do family and that he had the perfect mother. Again, I knew that was a lie and an untruth from beyond the grave due to his previous admissions.

Miles had mood swings, and his personality mirrored that of Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr. Hyde’s. One moment he was happy and easygoing, showing care and understanding. The next moment,he would flip, displaying a negative and nonchalant disposition. This kept me confused, which was one of the reasons I did not end the relationship right away. Again, I gave him the benefit of adjusting and wrapping his head around the many changes that were occurring and would continue to occur. 

I never felt good about the hasty decisions I was making, but I was unwilling to change the course. I always felt like I was catching my breath, hardly able to breathe. I needed a break from the commotion. Everything was happening so fast. I was becoming increasingly apprehensive and lukewarm to the idea of a baby or a relationship with Miles. Totally perplexed, I could have gone either way. I had already made several hare brained decisions and I needed a moment to put things into perspective.I had met this man with a list of unsettling characteristics. I needed a reality check. An intervention would have been welcomed and justified.